I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
If she sucks any more cock I swear she will be a spermivore
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
Randomize
