The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
Randomize
