This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
Randomize
