The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
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