Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
The nursing school interview showed me a picture of my passed out during your party. They asked if this was a frquent thing. I told them you drugged me.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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