I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
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