Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
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