this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
you miss my big massive throbbing cock dont you?
Woah.
that's not how you spell hell yes.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
Randomize
