i just realized that we are the poor version of bethenny and jill from real housewives... and I'm jill. this is a 6.5 on the depressing scale
at least we're not in new jersey
Ana's brother is visiting for the wknd. He came back to our place last night drunk to find me passed out naked it in the shower with the water still running. I was still drunk. We decided it was a good idea to have sex and sleep on the bathroom floor. Woke up this morning spooning and using my towel as a pillow.
Say something about gay babies.
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
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