i just made out with my boyfriends father...and so did jess
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
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