tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
We are not in the same countries and I heard about your hook up last night BEFORE you.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
His penis is average but his stamina is amazing!!! I didn’t know I had that many orgasms in my body!!!!
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