just a forewarning-if you come home and hang out with your stupid girlfriend the entire time that you are here/fail to get wasted with us i will wish either death upon you or that you truly do turn gay when you return to the navy.
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
so, what part of "he's slept with a guy" do you not understand?
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
as she was beating the hell out of his ex, she screamed prison rules, and smashed her head with a beer bottle. I'm oddly afraid yet so attracted to her now.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
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