So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
how do flat chested girls get laid?
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
Randomize
