im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
marching band practice is quite the interesting soundtrack to sex
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
Randomize
