I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
Randomize
