if i can run in heels then i can drive
I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
third nipple confirmed
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
Randomize
