Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
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