Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
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