whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
Randomize
