I can feel you judging me through the phone.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
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