My hand turned me down
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
please tell me we weren't that bad as freshmen
i can't, we're worse now
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Randomize
