so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
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