Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
Dude ! Why is there vomit with whole pieces of sushi in the shower when the toilet is not more than 2 feet away ? btw you need to chew your food better,
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
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