i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
Randomize
