hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
There are two guys's cum on my sheets. Be a man and be the third.
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
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