your transformation into a slut upon entering college is like a shakespearian tragedy
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
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