he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
You make homosexuality sound like a cult.
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
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