I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
Randomize
