I'm gonna have a badass scar
So today I found out that our school is known as the herpes school
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
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