Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
Randomize
