Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
What'd I miss?
Erotic hypnosis and studded dog collars.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
Randomize
