my door was closed and her door was closed but even over the r.kelly playing at full blast i was able to hear her say "THAT'S NOT THE RIGHT HOLE!". Def rethinking my roommate situation.
My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
Forget abc fam drinking games. Take a shot everytime Tyra says I and you'll be dead by the first commercial
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Randomize
