I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories...
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
There are twenty eight units in that building. There has to be at least one heterosexual in it. You can't have fucked your way through all of it.
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
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