I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
oh well at that point I was already depressed with life because I had watched the bratz movie.
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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