found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
Ok see being that I'm not present or participating your vague texts "neeeeed that" and "vagina" leave a lot to question.
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
Randomize
