Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
So lets not base feelings on vagina tingles
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
Eventually the conversation shifted (as it always does) to Sex toys.
Randomize
