Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Randomize
