Who haven't you slept with?
No one comes to mind.
my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
Randomize
