I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
What does "mood AF" mean?
Mood as fuck.
Why did you comment that on a video of a gorilla throwing its own shit?
Randomize
