Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
Funniest thing happened to Chloe! She talked the bf into a mmf threesome, and he loudly and enthusiastically discovered he was gay during it. Whole dorm literally heard it happen.Well funny for me. Chloe not so much.
Randomize
