I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
Randomize
