shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
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