ive never been so in love with another man before, in a totally none sexual way... no homo
yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
I cant even remember his name or what he looked like. all I remember is what the tattoo on his forearm looked like.
well, he kindof looked like a walmart greeter. I tried to stop you
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
