Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
From what I remember I had fun, until I threw up, and lost my shoes..
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
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