Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
good call on bringing her. it's always good to invite chicks who mix booze and prescription drugs.
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Randomize
