if it were possible I'd exchange my vagina for a diff one on the black market.
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
please remind me not to sleep with group members until after finals week.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
Randomize
