I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
I just landed at Logan and some guy threw up in the baggage carousel. Boston never really changes
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