Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
Randomize
