Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
You're probably reading this when you wake up from your "nap" in the front yard. Maybe next week you should go to class, and not start Thirsty Thursday at 9:30 in the morning.
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
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