he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
eww mummy girl is here...
what the fuckk. i just want to hold her down, wax her eyebrows, and give her some morals.
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Randomize
